Somewhere along the way I was born.  No, no not on the wagon of a travelling show or something like that  -it was just that it was as uneventful as it can be  - just like a bird pooping. Does anyone even care, unless it lands on their head. Who said babies look cute when they are born?  We look like shrivelled prunes.

A birth in a joint family has all the charm of Banian Khan, Lithick Lotion, Bips Dips, ChewBacca and Yoda all blendedtogether and served as Golgappa. Cute and Fragrant and Deliciously Insipid.

It is more like a newspaper being delivered.  Mom goes into the birthing room - and out comes the baby -this time it was me.  The room has been  set aside due to the frequency of  births - no no no I do not have as many siblings as the Kauravas had - If so imagine our plight - Two toilets - one hundred One kids -  or was it the 101 dalmations - anyways then I am sure our grandparents would have let us go the the fields -  natural fertilizer.

Anyways - I always have this problem of being obscure and some of my buds call me MOB - Master of Obscure .  There seems to be a regular frequency in  births in a joint family -  the daughters come over for the birth at least in my anscestral home-  Man wonder whats up with the males - What do they think women are or were in those days. Machines or something (Chauvunism has always been a problem ain't it)  I remember hearing  that the folks with the most kids live near the railway tracks - apparently there are these trains that chug along in the wee mornin hours and couples wake up to the chug chug noise and once awake they cannot go to sleep and there is nothing for them to do either - except indulge in Close Encounters- the result - tiny replicas of themselves soon make their appearance thereafter. Surprisingly none of our folks lived - so wonder what gives.

Without much fuirther ado I was brought forth into the world- bawling away -  and the ancient midwife who looked as if she stepped out of MacBeth, picked me up pronto and had me cleaned and deposited me next to my mom - the only saving grace was since I was the first born - a little bit of special attention for a moment.  Well like Simba I was displayed to the outside world - that was my Grandma, uncles and aunts and the older cousins- they was a little bit of oohing and aahing while I still bawled.

The only thing I did was bawl and bawl and bawl - guess when I first started that - everyone would come rushing - pretty soon that wore off too - they had seen too many of those dramatics - Mom would feed me and then dump me into the arms of some passing unfortunate cousin - who would pretend to be honored to be nominated as the recipient  of a squirming,  bawling baby who would soon make his or her life a misery by pooping, peeing and throwing up all over them.  Remember those were the Diaperless days.

The moment my mom's back was turned they would dump me in one corner of the hall where I would jerk my arms and legs and bawl away, while continuing the baby routine of the Poop, Pee and Throwup show - making the concret floor a pool of goop. There I would lay flailing my hand and legs - crying crying crying till in the end some aunt or uncle or my mom would pray aloud to God to quieten this creature that lay in front of them. 

The growing years were also filled with bawls.  The youngest was always at the bottom of the pecking order - so I was.  The younger ones soon enough developed thick skulls and skin fromt he numerous "knucks" on the head or whacks on the skin from the older cousins - we were also the punching bags and toss pillows for em since we were cheap and plentiful.

Finger pointing - we were at the receiving end of the fingers - any new clothes we got would soon be decked on the bodies of the older ones - whether they fit or not - at nights even the blankets and pillows would vanish - why even the Underwears too- so we were given bloody loin cloths and we looked like little monkeys with the tail of the cloths fluttering behind us. I still bawled. 

Ahhh what is that I hear - a baby's wail - oh Mama Mia - I ain't any longer at the bottom of the order - aha now it is my turn - sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet 

The king and his ministers were asked  during Royal Dinner  - what gives the  the greatest pleasure in life -

Some said Food -

Others said - (oooh the taboo word SIX - dang what is I doing between S and X? - should be E no?)

Others said Hunting-

and on and on  and on-

 After dinner they found that they were locked inside the dining hall.- they banged on the doors, they yelled and threatened and the doors remained locked. 

Finally after a day the doors were opened. 

As a man they rushed  to La Toilet and  big Collective Sigh  could be heard throughout the Kingdom-

As they all came out relieved and with a smile on their faces they were asked the question again- and this time as one person  they said the CALL OF NATURE

 So with these words  - I present to you ilanders - LA TOILETS of Z Werld

       Plot to Ass-Ass-nate Ceaser was Hatched Here -

        what other better place would there be

Brutus :  "Friends, Romans Country men - lend me your - No no no no  -  I meant your Ears you perverts....   

 "Coranthis - told you it should be silent - you are always too loud"

 For the Constipated - The bouncing and the jostling will make it easy

 For those with Egos "Oh man theeeeeeeeeeeese beeeeeeeeeeeeg?"

 Heck We don't Peek

 Echo Valley -  make sure it is silent - .

 It is a long drop for a plop

Who got such a big ................?

Confidence Buster - Uh oh- is that what you call a we.  we. ? Samantha I get the binos please

 For the gambling folks- can we aim it right?

 

 

Aim right or you will be Squilged 

 

 

 

 

Employees always get the Shit  dumped on them 

 

 

No Toilet Paper Needed - Guess why???? 

 

 

 

 

Ooooooooooooooh Madonna 

 

 

 

 

Raindrops Keep Fallin on my Head

 

 

 

 

Flowers the Bees Avoid - nectar nectar everywhere  not a drop to sip

She lay curled  on the floor - like the way she was inside the womb- she never knew
The bed was no longer a bed - never  the soft comfort zone she dreamed of . It was where her nightmares started - the pain, the agony. The floor was safer

"Don't trust the police- they are bad" - trust me - the man with the golden voice softly told her
as she stood one evening - shivering in the cold in the bus shelter.  She had run away from the place she called home -  it was a home the local adoptive agency had bundled off to -  
Her foster parents had no love for her - but for the money ,the State paid for her upkeep and for their  "inconvenience", they had undying love.

The State was glad to be rid of her. Life at the foster home was not bad- but not good either - she was just a number in that house.  She was neitherattractive nor plain -  just another kid. They hardly cared if she was alive or not - only thing was that she was never abused.  Still she wanted out.

One evening she did just that. Walked out .Aimlessly she wandered the streets - a young, frail thing - All she had in her possession was the dress she wore - a couple of odds and ends - a packet of cigarettes and a little money that she took from the house -  

She knew her foster parents would never seek her out - maybe when the Social Worker paid them a visit on hearing that she was missing - they would weep copious tears.  They would bawl away saying how ungrateful she was after the love and attention they showered on her.  The Social Worker would nod her head but knowing fully well the parents were whining about the money they lost.  Then again they would find another kid and the money would flow again.

Towards evening, legs aching, she sat at an abandoned bus shelter - wondering what her future would be, and never having a clue what her past was.  It was then that the man with the golden voice approached her. She never heard the big car arrive - its engine quiet as the whisper of the evening breeze.

He smiled the most beautiful smile she had ever seen and asked her point blank "Runaway, right?" 
She looked at him smiled and said "yes"."You don't want to go to the cops, you can never trust them.  They will send you back"She looked at him and asked "Do you know where else I could go or who else with?"

"Sure, I know this family who could take care of you, with lots of love and warmth.  Without blinking an eye she got into the car with him - not for a moment caring where she was going or who the guy way.

They drove  through the night - she slept curled in the back seat of the car - and then he had gently woke her up . "We have arrived", he said simply.  She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and saw this lovely house.  "This will be your new home,at least for some time", he said.  She knew her foster parents would not care where she was - they would simply tell the State Agency that she ran away - and how ungrateful she was causethey had taken such good care of her.  The would whine about the money they lost- but the state would send them someone else to replace her.

He rang the doorbell and a grandmotherly lady opened the door.  "Hi Nicholas", she addressed the man how nice to see you".  "C'mon in ".  "And who is this with you"? 
"She needs a home, love and care, Maggie", said Nicholas. 
"Awww c'mon you poor thing", let us fix you a bath so you can freshen up and, I have clothes at the top that belongs to Annette.  You could use them".

She thanked Maggie and had a wonderful, hot shower, put on the clothes and went down to join Nicholas and Maggie."Honey," Maggie said - "I don't want you to go out for some time lest, someone recognizes you and sends you backto you home, which I know you don't want to go to".  She nodded her head.

She lost track of time - was it four year five years - was she 16 was she 14?  - she never knew - she had never stepped out of the house on her own - Maggie made sure of that  - Nicholas or some other guy was always with her and the other three girls who lived  in the house. 

From a child to a woman overnight- that is what she became - from a child to a piece of flesh that was used and abusedover and over again.  At nights when they grunted and groaned over her body, she would cry silent tears - wishing and praying that no other girl would have to go through this - but then she knew - There was always a Nicholas and a Maggie who made
sure there was a constant supply and .......

 there will always be  a Michele.

every time I see the posted of a missing child I fear the worst - it rips my soul when I see those beautiful eyes of missing children peering from the Milk Cartons or from ads on the backs of buses -  with the simple message "Have you Seen me"  Every time I see the smile or the tears of my children who know there is someone to comfort them - my heart goes out to those thousands who may never know a gentle hand or a hug of love.

Lady Calls Pho King (Pho is pronounced as Pha in Vietnamese by the way)

A woman comes to a little town for a conference.  She loves
chinese food and calls up the local directory assistance to
connect her to a chinese restaurant - the do connect her but forgot to give her
the name and after she dials there is a bit of a static and then she does not
hear what the lady at the other end says so she says " Hello"
"Pha King mam", she hears a lady say at the other end
"What"?  "What did you just say?"
"Pha King mam, may I help you?"
"Dammit, I ain't F---ing", I am talking to you and I was directions"
"Direction to Pha King", asks the woman
Dammit, I don't need no directions for that - I do it all the time"
"Then why you ask for Pha King directions"???

When Hubby talks to wife about Pho King

2)Husband calls wife home one evening and says "Honey my boss and Ann are going out for a business meeting, so don't wait for me for dinner"

Wife :" Ok Ron, where you off to?"

Hubby : "Oh Pho King"

Wife:"Honey, Honey, what did you say?"

Hubby:"We may go to the bar and then  Pho King"

Wife:"Ron, Ron, how could you do this to me after 40 years of marriage"

Hubby:"What are you talking about Sue"?

Wife:" About you and your boss and Pho King"

Hubby:"Yeah what about it? - we go Pho King nearly every other afternoon"

Sue slams the phone.

How would you Answer the Phone here??

Guy calls up a Japanese Restaurant  -  Hello

Employee - "Hi Fuk Mi, do you want a reservation?"

Customer - What!!!?

Employee - "Do you want a reservation to Fuk Mi?"

Customer -"A reservation to F__K You?????"

Employee"No, no, no,  a Reservation to Fuk Mi?"

Customer "F__K you"

Employee :"No, no, no, Sir It's  to Fuk Mi"

Let it Be

All our bags were  packed - and it was time to bid adieu to Mallu Land and the country and move on to a life in a different continent.
 
I ran to take a last look at the pond - where spent countless summers splishing and splashing
and trying to catch unsuccessfully the turtles and the water snakes and the large fish and where
where we regaled ourselves with our pumpkin shows. Ran to take a look at the trees we climbed and watered the earth from our mini showers.  All in all trying to fill in my eyes and mind with
those images I wanted to store forever. 

Said  goodbyes to my  cousins and aunts and uncles - and then tears just flowed - don't think I wept so much when my sweetheart and I parted ways - but then some things can never be explained. It is strange how stoicI can be in certain things and yet in others I cannot - it is like on iland there are some blogs when I read - I have tears in my eyes - Weird Me indeed.

Any ways- sorry for the digression - We had one more uncle  to see before we left and we stopped by at his house for lunch.  Had a wonderful lunch and spent time bullshitting with him and aunty.
He was one uncle who I have never seen raise his voice or get angry at anything - if something happened he was like eda mone  "Let it Be" or " edy mole, "Let it Be".

There is only one other person I know of , other than the Beatles ofcourse ,  who says those three words -A very dear and wonderful friend of mine. When we discuss something serious and  which goes in circles and I am like "Why did you do that" or "You should have done that" She is like "Let It be".  

It makes me think of my uncle so much - I have never told her that - maybe one of these days I will. Though I pretend not,  those three words ,I treasure them a lot.

Lunch over, he walked with us to the bus station - he used to work there - and we boarded the bus
and he stook outside by the window and talked to us.  He stepped away for a moment and returned with some plantains and sweets - they were little lemon drop sweets - which we loved as children and even as adults when he gave to us - for a moment we felt like little kids.  This is one thing I always used to love eating while travelling by bus in Kerala - from each bus station buy some tidbits and eat.

Pretty soon the little bell in the bus tinkled - time  to leave- and he stood there looking at
us - and as I looked at him I saw  something that  still haunts me  - his eyes - the look - there was so much sorrow in them - it was unbelieveable -  I had never seen that in his eyes - he had a smile on his lips but his eyes - they were filled with a sadness and as the bus pulled away he stood there looking at us with his big eyes - the heavy sadness there and pretty soon the bus pulled away and he was still standing there, and soon he became a speck in the distance and then was gone.
It was so painful to see that - I had wept enough that day.

Two days later we flew out of India. 

About a year later we got the news that he left us  for the great yonder where there is only appiness and joy I guess.

We found out later that a few months prior to us leaving  India, he had been to his doctor who told him his time on earth was short. He had told only his sisters and brothers and to his wife and did not want anyone else to know.

Then it all came to me - that look in his eyes -  he knew within himself that he would never see us again and we would never see him again - there would no longer be the laughter and fun amongst us -  and it must have torn  through him so bad - knowing what he knew but not wanting to tell us. 

I am sure in the halls of the great yonder he will still be saying, when he finds that somethings cannot be solved ,"Let It Be"

I always looked forward to going to my village during holidays - any time there was a holiday we would find some excuse to get to the village.  Nothing like village life - at least when we were kids - cause nowthe concept of village is basically non-existent. All our cousins would show up.

We used to love clambering up the trees - especially the mango trees - generally we used to wear only shorts and no shirtsat all - cause by the time we scrambled down from the trees our shirts would have all the colors that the rainbow never had.

Even the shorts were not the store bought ones.  My aunt would buy some cloth from the store - it was something like the ones they used to make shopping bags with, and stitch up some shorts- if you could call them shorts.

Those bloody things used to make us itch and itch we would - oh man and then we used to get yelled at since we had noqualms about in front of who we itched. There were no buttons - only two thick strings to knot with and those shorts more often timeswere so loose that if the knots sometimes came undone and we used to be one with nature - which we rather preferred - which ofcourse the big red ants that proliferated the tree trunks loved. 

Oh man we used to get bitten right there by those big red ants and even the elephant would have been embarrassed if it ever did a comparison.

 We never would slice the mangoes, but just bite the to off and squeeze the ripe mangoes into our mouths- the mango juice running all over us and yikes it used to be sticky too-we used to gather a motley collection of insects around us - especially the damn flies.By the time we were ready to return to our homes - our bellies would have allthe possible marks from the innumerable scrapes sliding down the tree.  We were an ugly bunch of kids and we grew uglier by the time the holidays ended.

One thing we loved doing  was hosing from the tree trunks - it gave us some kind of weird
pleasure to quench the parched earth from the tree tops.  We used to compete to see who could hose the farthestfrom the tree top.   One cousin who inevitable could hose it at great lengths till we found out his secret. 

He used to stand at the extreme end  branch and he had this little plastic bottle with a nozzle, which
when filled with water and squeezed could shoot pretty long distance.To add insult to injury he
had the littlest one around. He would keep the bottle in such a way that everyone
thought he was actually in the act of peeing. One day the bottle slipped from his hand and the cat was out.

We must have been a bunch of perverse kids anyway -  everytime we went to take a bath in the pond our favorite pastime was doing the Pumpkin.  We would immerse ourselves underwater and just stick our bottoms up - we used to keep the littlest cousin on the top steps of the pond to warn us approaching danger in the form of uncles, aunts, granmother.  One day I felt a searing pain on my behind and screamed under the water which resulted in me gulping  gobs of the water and came up sputtering.  Once on the surface I  looked around and there stood four of my cousins too each holding their stinging butts and there was Ammoomma (granny) too with a little  cane (the cause of our pain)

"Bloody perverts" is what she said. Our watchman cousin had dozed off on the steps of the pond. Later we dunked him the pond where dishes were washed. 
Just before dinner Ammoomma told the tale to everyone and they all burst out laughing and she too started laughing - telling us we better eat properly  cause she felt bad seeing those skinny butts.

 I would give anything to have those days back.

 Where is Mona Lisa

First it was  the Frozen one who disappeared and then resurfaced and now it seems it is Z Mona Lisa who seems to have done a Houdini act.

A search mission planned - the Wise One of iland the Don was approached - but then  he said he is in the process of moving though I have a feeling he is headed to his Ashram retreat and his Guruji. (Sneaky Don)

DON's Ashram

The Thalaivar - had to manage the Appavi Kazhagam since the Secy - alias Don had retreated to the Ashram - so he too was a no go

Offices of the Appavi Kazhagam

A swashbuckling, adventurous person was needed - and the mantle fell ofcourse on the only Sun on iland who was Frozen.  Then again since he was already on the war parth and railing against iland - he fit the shoe. For the mission his two fav buddies decided to join him - none other than Santa and Banta. 

The Frozen One with the two airesholes.

The trio decided to visit the all knowing Ant  - and Ant just smiled

 Ant Jest Smiled

 and then said Duh-duh-Dah-Dah-Duh-duh and the Frozen one whose brain in no way was Frozen exlcaimed "She is talking in Morse Code".  Banta immediately said - give me Moe's numbah - give me Moe's numbah.

The Frozen one wondered why.  Banta said did you not just say she was talking Moes-Code - then if we call him he  he would surely know what she is talking about

Frozen One whacked Banta and then said "ouch" as his behindi was in pain  - if your remember Frozy has two AAs. So in essence when he whacked Banta he whacked himself (DumGai)

Then suddenly the Frozen one had a light bulb go inside - "Yes - Paris that is it" that is where the search for ML should being. He figured out Antz morse code.

The trio landed in Paris  rented a car and the Frozen One drove it straight  the SD - the notorious French Police Dept.  Ahh and there was Inspector Clouseau  -

Ahh here comes the Frozen one with the two eyesoles

the moment he saw them he chuckled and said  - Aha Bonjour Monsieur Frrrozzen the mon  with the two airseholes - How may be I of service to you Monsieur.

Before the Frozen one could start Banta jumped in and said Oui Oui M. Clouseau.  "ML is missing"
"Who ees meessing"?, asked M Clouseau.
"ML, ML. Pardon me sir it is Mona Lisa - she has been missing for a while"

"Impossible, Impossible" M Clouseau said.  "I saw her this morrning weeth my own eyes".

"Where, Where, the trio clamored.

At that moment M Clouseau had to attend an unrgent meeting and left -leaving the trio totally puzzled.

Banta and Santa said they would soon be back. Ofcourse they had to go together since each one of them had only half a brain and when they went together they had a full brain.
Towards evening they reappeared excited and shouting.  Santa shouted out that Banta found out where ML is

"Where, Where, Frozen  One- damn finally the two dumpkoffs were able to collective put their half brains to one full one and figure out where she is" Frozen One thought to himself and ran behind them to the car.  Santa and Banta jumped on to the drivers and passengers seat and as Banta was giving the address he had written to Santa  - the impatient Frozen  One told Santa "Step on it"  Santa promptly stepped on the address and Frozen one whacked him on the head -
"you idiot I told you to Step on the Gas."  again the Frozen one felt the whack on his own behind

Santa drove pell mell throught he streets and stopped at the back of a building and as they rushed inside, the security guys came behind them - They gave a damn and Banta rushed through the building with Santa and Frozy right behind, they ran and ran and ran and then suddenly Banta stopped and pointed - Look Look Look there she is.  Santa and Frozen One came right behind
and Santa shouted  "yes yes yes we found her, here she is here she is", they shouted pointing

 Frozen One took one look and fainted. Why? Why?Why?  because............

Where eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees ML?

Sir It's called.......

Zail Singh was invited for a private dinner with the Governor and his wife during his tour of the US in one of the States.  A little later his aide who was waiting outside saw Zail Singh stumbling out of the dining room with a beat up nose and black eye and holding his head between his hands.

His aide was shocked and asked him what happened.
"The Governor and his wife are so rude", moaned Zail .  "I was complimenting the Governor's wife as to how she kept the whole state beautiful and she and her husband beat me up".
 
"That is strange sir", the aide said.  "Just exactly what did you say sir".

Zail Singh regained his composure and said

"This is what I told her.  Lady Governor  you have kept your V_ _ ina so beautiful and clean, and those idiots beat me up".

"Sir", replied that aide "It is VIRGINIA"

******************************************************
Zail Singh was invited to ride the Space Shuttle. 
After the blast off and while in Space - he was hooked up on live TV and his  image beamed all over the world and India. 
The Prime Minister, the VP, the Ministers and Members of the parliament gathered in  the great Parliament Hall where a Gigantic Big Screen TV was placed.

After all the pleasantaries were exchanged Mrs Gandhi wanted to test Zails knowledge of the planets

"Gianji show me Mercury", said  Mrs Gandhi  - and Zail Singh promptly  pointed it out through the  window ofthe Shuttle.

"Gianji show me Mars", she said  - and pronto he pointed out to the location of Mars.

"Gianji show me Uranus", she intoed  - for a moment Zail Singh disappeared from view and then on the big screen there appeared the image of  his naked BEHIND.

************************************************************

 WAIT

Zail Singh's  flight landed and the door opened - Zail Singh came to the door.  the ground crew rushed with the ladder so he could alight and they shouted out to him "Wait, Wait" so they could get the ladder to the plane.

 "150 pounds", he replied and stepped out the door"
************************************************

Oiled Ur.......

Prior to naming it as Nano the TATA team decided on the name Uranus -  but gave up the idea
afer anticipating certain embarrasing situations  like: 

A neighbour may ask another - "Do you clean Uranus every day?"

Another neighbour may ask   " Do you want me to wash Uranus today"?

Or a co-passenger may ask the lady driver - "Maam Uranus is really comfortable to ride on"

"Please lubricate Uranus for a smoother ride every 3 months - use Indian Oil" an ad may say

                          and so NANO was born

***********************************************

My  Name is Bond........

James Bond was on a flight to Chennai.  Not wanting to be rude - he started chatting with his co-passenger and then introduced himself

 "My name is Bond, James Bond, James to you"

His co-passenger said

"My name is Bala, Balasubramaniam, Balls to you".

THE RAISE 

Respected Sirs/Madams

This is my humble request for a raise .  Listed below are the reasons I do believe that I deserve the raise : -

-I do physical labor.
-I work at great depths.
-I plunge head first into everything I do.
-I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
-I work in a damp environment.
-I don’t get paid overtime.
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
-I work in high temperatures.
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours Truly

P Niss

MANAGEMENT RESPONSE

Dear Mr. P Niss

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight.
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
-You do not stay in your designated area and are often found
       visiting other locations.
-You lack initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in
       order to start working.
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
-You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
       wearing the correct protective clothing.
-You will retire well before you are 65.
-You are unable to work double shifts.
-You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed
       the assigned task.
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering,
and exiting, the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management Go ahead and Digg it!!

 It's a Dick's Life

I would l_l_l_like to re_re_req_req_request P_P_Pre_sident F_F_Fak_Fak_Fakruddin Ali
to show his exp_exp_exp_ansive coll_coll_collection of d_d_dics_dics_dictionaries.
Unfortunately h_h_he k_k_can_can_canot take them out b_b_b_ecause  it is s_s_stuck in
Ah_Ah_Anus_Anus_ Anusuya's b_b_b_bag. 

  I  f_f_found your p_p_pre_pretty b_b_butt_butt_button  you l_l_lost on the f_f_floor.

  Ah_Ah_Ann were you ch_ch_chased by  J_J_Jo'es big K_K_Cock_Cock_Cocker S_S_Spaniel?

 ZAIL WAIL

Zail Singh who was heading for his first foreign trip and that too to  Britain was coached and coached in the English Language.
Finally satisfied that he could pass pretty ok in English - he was sent on his trip.

The evening that he arrived, there was a dinner in his honor at the palace.
He was told the tradition is that each guest would have to request any dish
from the table by way of rhymes.

"Oh noble Lord Divine",
 Please pass me some wine" requested  Lady Rowland

"Oh Lady Nelson -
please pass me the vension", requesteed Sir Quigley

and thus it went around the table - till it Zail's turn came he thought and
thought and thought and everyone was looking at him - finally with a big happy grin he 
said to one of the Lord's whose name he had no clue of

"Oh you Bastard
please pass me some custard"

The next morning he was taking a stroll with the Queen and the other nobles around the Royal Gardenand they all stopped by the Royal Pond to feed the royal ducks -
Zail Singh was very impressed at the beauty of the birds- but for the life of him could not remember what they were called - but anyway   he turned to the queen - and gushed
"Oh! Queen your Buttocks are beautiful"

"Whack" he got one from one of the Lords, and his spectacles  and turban went flyind.
he scrambles around and finally found them. He handed over his spectacles to the queen and
requested " Oh Madam could you please hold my testicles while I fix my turban."