CONFESSIONS OF A WOMAN - I*ER

This is not for the good, the decent and the morally upright  - this is  for the curious and  those who love to delve into the darkest corners of the human side - especially of me I have a confession . After a lot of soul-searching  and endless conversations  with  family and friends (not no this  is not an AT&T commercial)- who would only listen  if they were pumped with endless cups of Starbucks coffee or chilled beverages of the alcoholic kind  (the religious heads said that they could not hear my confession -cause it was against all the tenets of advaitha or whatever) - Once that was done I decided come out of the kloset. If Clindon  could confess why could, I not?

I was a WOMAN-ICER

(Gasp - choke- how could you - shameful man - oooooooooah do I hear all these words being flung at me??)  If so that is all right.  I deserve that and more.  Maybe have my head shaved (thank fully the nautral process will take a lot quicker than the razor of a stylist  -  and tar and feather me and put me on a donkey with a garland of stinky shoes and chappals around my neck  (which invariably would have been pilfered from the steps of the nearby mandir or church)and parade me down the village streets.I first found I had this problem when I was a kid - and it got progressively worse as I grew older - through elementary school, middle school, high school, college and at my job and I should confess, even after marriage.

No one could give an answer to my problem till my good friend came along.  One day over cups of coffee - and this time she paid for the coffee  -I poured out my problems to her.She is the one who coined the phrase too after hearing me out. For some reason she was the only one upon whom I did not have the Ice effect. Maybe because her last name was Isenfeld.

Told her that ever since I was a kid  girls would clam up seeing me  - and when I went to school the same thing  -the moment I opened my mouth to say hello they would quickly say "hi"  then clam up and ice over - in college too and after marriage too  -could not talk to any of my wife's friends or for that matter any woman -  they would all clam up  - and give me that frozen look.My friends if they came across any woman who looked serious used to joke "Ice Man Moe went this way" and they used to carry a can of de-icer with them.

There was this lady at the airport who stared at me for some time and then asked me what my number was and I started telling her - area code 215.. and then she said "I asked for your  seat number?" and when I told her she looked at her ticket and said "Thank God I am not seated next to you cause it will be one cold flight and she also asked for extra blankets.

My friend listened to all this and then said "Moe - you have to warm up to these people cause you suffer from WOMAN-ICING.  Women freeze when they see you  -not sure why, but may be because you look like you are ready to  beat up the first person you see.  Have a smile on your face and have a pleasant demeanor and you will notice the difference.  Right now your face looks like the South End of a horse",  she said and continued "learn to talk to people not grunt or give one word answers.  Above all talk to people and don't sulk.You look like you swallowed a skunk"

It has been years since and now I am happy to say there is no more icing only a slight frost  -that is all right  -I can live with that. 

The only problem I have now is when I get to shave in the morning - my mirror fogs up ( ooooh what have I done to myself- has my reflection started to ice up?  I am sure if I called my friend, she would have shrugged her shoulders and said  "Moe that is one big  Fogging problem you have that I cannot help you with"