THE RAISE 

Respected Sirs/Madams

This is my humble request for a raise .  Listed below are the reasons I do believe that I deserve the raise : -

-I do physical labor.
-I work at great depths.
-I plunge head first into everything I do.
-I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
-I work in a damp environment.
-I don’t get paid overtime.
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
-I work in high temperatures.
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours Truly

P Niss

MANAGEMENT RESPONSE

Dear Mr. P Niss

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight.
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
-You do not stay in your designated area and are often found
       visiting other locations.
-You lack initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in
       order to start working.
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
-You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
       wearing the correct protective clothing.
-You will retire well before you are 65.
-You are unable to work double shifts.
-You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed
       the assigned task.
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering,
and exiting, the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management Go ahead and Digg it!!

 It's a Dick's Life

I would l_l_l_like to re_re_req_req_request P_P_Pre_sident F_F_Fak_Fak_Fakruddin Ali
to show his exp_exp_exp_ansive coll_coll_collection of d_d_dics_dics_dictionaries.
Unfortunately h_h_he k_k_can_can_canot take them out b_b_b_ecause  it is s_s_stuck in
Ah_Ah_Anus_Anus_ Anusuya's b_b_b_bag. 

  I  f_f_found your p_p_pre_pretty b_b_butt_butt_button  you l_l_lost on the f_f_floor.

  Ah_Ah_Ann were you ch_ch_chased by  J_J_Jo'es big K_K_Cock_Cock_Cocker S_S_Spaniel?

 ZAIL WAIL

Zail Singh who was heading for his first foreign trip and that too to  Britain was coached and coached in the English Language.
Finally satisfied that he could pass pretty ok in English - he was sent on his trip.

The evening that he arrived, there was a dinner in his honor at the palace.
He was told the tradition is that each guest would have to request any dish
from the table by way of rhymes.

"Oh noble Lord Divine",
 Please pass me some wine" requested  Lady Rowland

"Oh Lady Nelson -
please pass me the vension", requesteed Sir Quigley

and thus it went around the table - till it Zail's turn came he thought and
thought and thought and everyone was looking at him - finally with a big happy grin he 
said to one of the Lord's whose name he had no clue of

"Oh you Bastard
please pass me some custard"

The next morning he was taking a stroll with the Queen and the other nobles around the Royal Gardenand they all stopped by the Royal Pond to feed the royal ducks -
Zail Singh was very impressed at the beauty of the birds- but for the life of him could not remember what they were called - but anyway   he turned to the queen - and gushed
"Oh! Queen your Buttocks are beautiful"

"Whack" he got one from one of the Lords, and his spectacles  and turban went flyind.
he scrambles around and finally found them. He handed over his spectacles to the queen and
requested " Oh Madam could you please hold my testicles while I fix my turban."

Relationships

 We were lovers, but now she is my biggest enema!

We have hated each other for so long.I want to borrow the hatchet.

My relationship with my ax girlfriend was so painful.

4) FOOD AND COOKING

Do you like this food?I made it from scratching!

I never liked mushrooms,but now they are starting to grow in me.

Do you like your coffee cremated?

Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
You have what?
Dirty toes. In my back pack.
Um, can you spell that?
Maybe D-O-R-I-T-O-S. Do you Want to try one?
No thanks. I’m not so hungry right now.

 5) Buddha Soup

—Put the cabbages in salt water.Then sit in the sink until the morning.

—Add two cups of ground flowers.

—Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.

—Then add small feces of fish.

—Don’t forget to insult the soup.

—Next, add a little Buddha and mix it all up.

—When you are finished cooking, find a suitable bowel and eat it with chopsticks.

6) HEALTH

Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!

A cold is caused by micro-orgasms in your nose.

I had a little ass dent this morning but I’m okay now.

My leg has been breaking for three weeks.

It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.

I have a very kinky neck.

I probably should have gone to the doctor one ear ago.

I want my face to have the buttocks treatment.
The what?
The buttocks treatment. It makes your wrinkles go away. It’s very famous
in Hollywood.
Oh. It’s pronounced “bo tox”.
That’s it. The buttocks treatment.
Maybe you need it too a little.

7) PARENTS

I always ate lunch at school.But every day my mother made me suffer.

My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me.

My father met us at the airport and gave me a big hog.Then he hogged my wife.

8) Renting and Dorm and Apartment Living

Me and my brother share a small womb in the basement.

We live on the sex floor. Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.

9) WEDDINGS

I have something exciting to tell you. My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!

The groom was wearing A very nice croissant.

He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss.

10 )WEATHER

This morning, I was walking outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!

Yesterday I had strong wind here.

Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting,
there’s no way to stop it.

When a volcano explodes, millions of tons of larva can bury a city

11) TUTORING

I am so eager to mate you!

Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?

You look sad today. Do you want to expose yourself to me?

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t write my essay.
My roommate had a toothache this morning.
So you couldn’t write your essay?
Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!

12) TRAVELING

Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.

How far should I tip the driver?

I heard California is full of nude peaches.

In some countries, you should only drink the water a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad,but it will not have poison.

You can’t sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably
sleep with my sister. That’s what mostof my friends do when they visit.

13) OTHER

The cheerleaders threw up high into the air!

The police were attacked by a large group of angry mops.

The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in British Columbia .  This is a very serious problem… I think maybe we should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.

Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.

If you don’t believe in God your spit can go to hell.

Santa and Banta accompany our dear Frozy on a business trip to Paris.

One morning Santa and Banta wake up – Frozy is not there.

Where is Frozy? – Santa asked Banta

Where is Frozy ?– Banta asked Santa

Where is Frozy?  Banta and Santa ,and ,Santa and Banta ask one another

(and where is Frozy I ask and so do the ilanders)

  (Have you Seen Frozy)

They look everywhere – could not find Frozy any where

Finally in a panic they rush to the police station.

They meet with the chief who asks them what happened .

“Our friend Frozy is missing” says Santa and Banta

“Well – you have to be more specific than that”, says the chief

We have many people with the name Frozy

“Well Frozy has long hair”

“You have to be more specific than that”, says the chief adding that

“There are many Frozies here with long hair”

“Frozy eats a lot”, say Santa and Banta

“You have to be more specific than that” says the chief again adding that

“We have many Frozies here who have long hair and who eat a lot”

“Frozy is a funny guy”, say Santa and Banta

“Well you have to be much more specific than that”, the chief gently chides them

“We have many Frozies here with long hair and who eat a lot and who are funny”

Santa and Banta Look at one another and Banta and Santa look at one another

The light bulb goes in them at the same time

The police chief is blinded momentarily by that

“Yes! Yes! Yes!  They shout excitedly, "We Know, We Know, We know"

 “Our friend, our friend Frozy has two a__holes!!!!!!  And Santa and Banta and Banta and Santa give one another High-Fives.

 naachale naachale aaja naachale !!!!!!

The chief gapes at them and then gathers his wits together and says

“Well, well, well now we are getting somewhere”

 “But how can that be and how do both of you know that”, he asks

"Well,Chief  it is like this – every time we go to the bar with Frozy we hear the bartender tell everyone at the bar :-

“Here comes Frozy with the two a—holes “

Santa and Banta say with great pride to the chief – who promptly faints.

By the way WHERE IS FROZY?????????

                                                WEST OF DESI

I yam udderly - budderly and toattally konfused.  Wot it ees beople are syaying dat I yam velly velly Westernized eh?  yactually it was a friend of mine -  we were talking and she suddenly said "You have been Westernized"

duh - uh!!!!!

"What do you mean?" I asked her and she said "Eggsactly What I meant, you have been influyenced by the West". 

"Wohkay, then, give me some incidents, eggsamples, or to simblyfy - what is meant by being Westernized?"

"Forget I said it", she said "Drop the Subject" .

How could I drop it - after that Komment. She would not give me a reason for making that statement nor would she
point out as to what made her say what she said. 

Was I upset?? He he he -  No I was not.  I was kind of laughing when she said that

What in the werld does that mean?  Is it having an aggsent when ispeaking in Eengleesh? or wayaring non-traditional clothes? or eating with a fork and knife? or the inability of the kids of those who have migrated overseas to speak their mother tongue?  Honestly I do not know.

I asked her how she could say that :-

 - when in India and other parts of the world people wear clothes that are non traditional,
eat food that is considered "Western" ,
 - inability of  children, born to folks, who have moved from one state to another within the same country to speak their  parent's mother tongue?
 - Watching movies and shows that are non-traditional or have no connection to the culture of their country?.

So if folks in India watch TV shows that are non-Indian or movies that are non-Indian, ate in restaurants or fast food joints such as TGIFs, McDonald's,(all that grease yiiiiiiiikes)

 Pizza Hut( all that cheese)  and such other non-Indian eateries - and people here, overseas, go to Indian restaurants to have their fill of idli, sambar, naans etc - how can I and others here be called "Westernized"?

We are told that we have lost the or rather forgotten the glorious Kulture of ours - To this day I am befuddled by that - what is the Glorious Culture(other than Agri-Kulture- even now dat is also gone) we are talking about when in our own country no one does that. 

I am toattally lost.  If she had called me a Konfused Desi or my kids as ABCDs (American Born Konfused Desis) - I can understand - cause that is what we too call them  -but I am still Konfused by the term "Westernized"

Many Indians and their children here attend and participate in Indian festivites, shows, take Indian dance and music lessons, go to temples, churches and mosques, eat traditional Indian meals, wear traditional clothes to functions. Many of them attempt to learn their mother tongue - some successfully and others not so successfully  -but they all understand the
language.  So I am toatally lost by that terminology "Westernized"

HELP ME DECIPHER THAT WERD KOLLED WESTERNIZED!!!

 End of the day Friday.The group troops to the elevator.On the way down - Jim says
"Lets see what variations can we come up for TGIF."

"Thank God Its Friday" - says Elaine
"Thank Goodness Its Friday" - chimes Sara
"That's Great Its Friday"  barks Sam
"Toes Go In Front "yodells Jim
"Tactical Ground Intercepting Fighter" says Nathaniel matter of factly

 Banta's turn.  Poor guy was in no mood- he had a queasy stomach since last night and he was squirming all the time.

"C'Mon Banta its your turn - let's hear from you buddy" everyone chorused
Poor Banta, squirmed, looked at everyone helplessly - no help was forthcoming.

Suddenly they was a low fizzzzzzzzing sound and then a god-awful smell filled the elevator air.

"Yiiiiiiiiiiiiikes" they all screamed- what is that - "Phhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeew, wassa shtink?" asked Sam

Thankfully the elevator doors opened as it reached the ground floor and as  fresh air wafted in - Banta with a smile at everyone, wafted out of the elevator first with the parting words "What a relief, finally -  Thank Goodness I Fizzed."

  SIMBLY RAJANI

Rajanikanth makes onions cry.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.

Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …with a piano.

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than
Death can process them.

Does not need an ice-maker- he freezes water by his stare.

Rajani's used a cordless phone to strangle villains.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the  lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.

Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

His calendar does not have April 1 -  no one can fool Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

A cobra bit Rajani.  It dies five days later after enduring excruciating pain.

When he gives you the finger, he’s telling that you have a second left to live.

He was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin.
The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly,
 waiting for the wheel to stop.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth does not need a match to light a fire - he uses a magnifying glass - even at night.

In cricket he dismisses batsmen so fast that the last batsman is walking to the crease while the first batsman is still trudging back to the pavillion.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects with which Rajanikanth can kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

A tiger charged at Rajani -  Rajani just stuck his hand inside the tiger's mouth and pulled it inside out

For Rajani a soccer game lasts only 1 minute the rest of the players take 89 minutes to catch up with him

Muhammed Ali quit boxing after he saw Rajnikanth whipping 40 people with one hand chained to a post.

Rajanikanth is so alert that he sleeps with his eye wide open

Rajani is makes sure you answer his calls - he dials your number and then races to your house and asksyou to pick up the phone when it rings and races back to his house and picks up the phone even before you can say hello.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr- no - that was not me shivering in cold- but the ugly noisy contraption
my dad had rigged on to the door - passing by the nome de guerre of  a door-bell.  It sounded worse than the Woomba Woomba of a water-buffalo. I do not know why it was me who had to suffer this indignity. As it is ,in the small apartment we lived in , I had the honor of sleeping in the
living room - which was the front room.  Guess everyone, in the neighbourhood knew, it was I
who slept in that room.  The damn guy who used to deliver milk - would whack the door latch so hard that the whole damn apartment complex shook on its foundations - and to add insult to injury the moron would press the buzzer too.  Jeepers, I always woke up from the floor - after having fallen out of the bed(it was more like a coffin). 

I would grope and claw my way to the door, and open it and retrieve the milk - which by the way was three fourths water.  The milk man's kids were real roly-poly kids who had the luxury of bountless gallons of milk from all the packets their dad siphoned off the milk from.

Then came the newspaper guy- he too would slam the door latch and then buzzzzzzzzzzzzz the doorbell - damn idiots.
Through all this the rest of my family slept away.  Then came the ubiquitous dhobi and his donkey on their way to whereever, and, oh! my the donkey's hee-haw hee-haw was like the grating of a metal gate against a concrete floor (ass h--le - no pun intended).

And then - my neighbour would open his front door and MS Subbulakshmi's Suprabhatham would waft out along with it my neighbour's accompaniment also - dang- there goes my sleep.  I wake up and stumble on to brush my teeth and as always I have to explain to my dad how the toothpaste got smeared in the mirror - in my slumber induced stupor I inevitably ended up brushing the teeth that appeared on the mirror.

Then I stumble, under the shower and stand there, and curses soon follow - from folks at home  -"close the damn door when you take your shower".  Shower over, I gobble up breakfast - not even sure what goes in.  Dress up and run to the bus stop. Push my way into the bus - and jeepers within moments few the whole bus empties- other than the bus operator and the conductor- who would sniff the air and ask me - Kulikkilleya (did not take a shower?)of course I did and then yugghg the smell hits me.  It is my dress- I picked up the dress that I had put for washing- those were the clothes I had worn to play- yuuuuuuck.  It finally dawned on me why girls never sat next to me. 

In the class room - since I was the class midget I had to sit in the front bench and endure the frequent bombardment of paper rockets and catapulted paper bullets.  By the the time school was over my head generally becomes twice its size. Being the midget that I was I had to stare straight up to see our teacher- and our Geography teacher used to stand right over me and if I lookd up which was frequent enough -  I could stare right up his nose and into  his brains.  I sometimes had to hold an umbrella while he lectured since there was a frequent fall of rain from his mouth- that too laced with the nectar from thebetel leaf that he chewed incessantly. Then again half the times I would hear the beat of the drum and then later on realizethat it was my head banging against the desk top as my head met the desk as my eyes closed in slumber and so on......... it went.

Evening the bus ride home - ahh generally would get the seat but then soon I would be hidden behind piles of books that my less fortunatebuddies who have to stand would dump on me.  Then came the women's college stop- and my neighbour and her friends used to get in and she would go "Awww moe Cho chweet can you please hold our books - he he he - cho chweet no.  Disadvantages of  being a midget, ugly and a goober.  ..........

till another day I decide to write more .................

Whose home is this - oooooooooooops

Pictures worth more than a zillion words 

These are names of actual streets and places.  

Oh those Canadians

Is this a sign addressed only to male drivers?????

Hello - is this Hunan

No- Fook- Yew

What???

Fook-Yew

You are rude mam - I am asking if this is Hunan

No-no no Fook Yew

Villager  to lost motorist  - be careful you may get stuck in Anus  - too much traffic.

Wonder how someone with a lisp would pronounce the Garden's name

This is something I remember from my childhood of a verse that some elders used to say

   Boom Boom Parimalam Naasthi
   Pe pe karna katoram
   Kashu - Pishu Maha Kashtam
   Nisabdam Prana Sankatam

Was told that this was Sanskrit (not sure since I am not by any means conversant or otherwise
   in Sanskrit)  but those verses stuck to my mind worse than super glue.

I am sure some of you would have heard this and probably know what it is all about - he he  he
rest of the readers I will let you guess it out after reading this.

Guys - this is one is colorless (pun intended too) - not for the weak of heart or the Puritans.  This is
something that happens to everyone any place anytime and no exceptions provides both merriment to others while embarrassment to the individual - well not all the time though

 - and everyone has experienced  it atleast once in their life - if not many many times and for this age is never a factor.

No No No not that !!!! you folks whose  minds are twisted.  No this is something that you
may say che che che - but face it  - it is the truth.

You may choose to read this or you may not - whatever it is - don't come back complaining that it is
tasteless or I have no sense of shame (no pun intended) because  what I am writing is -  God Honest Truth  - and no one can deny that at all.  Everyone  - right from a baby to an old old old old geezer has experienced, will experience till end of their life.

Now coming to the point - what I am talking about is um- er- er- ah -

The good ole wind that escapes us - intentionally or unintentionally   -  sometimes the silent and sometimes not.

Know why the silent ones have a "fragrance" of their own?  For the benefit of the deaf.

Ahhh - Having Said that - here is a collection of explanations that I have heard when the inevitable occurred.

"B - my buddy let one rip in the restroom.  He looked around and then asked me if I there was an elephant trumpeting nearby.

My nephew did so at the dinner table. The little guy in all cute innocence passed it off saying  - Mommy told me not to talk with my mouth full"

Jim my cool cool buddy said he could not find his lips in time to whistle.

Choocha my friend in Chennai used to say Kaatrinile Varum Geetham (Song that comes with the breeze)

Another friend used to hum Simon Garfunkels  "The Sound of Silence"

Angela said she would always sing Bette Midler's Wind beneath my........"

At School Physical Training my PE Instructor told me "Son -  when I said exhale -  it was through your mouth"

Dang - once in the airplane  -it was a little puddle hopper (the six seater types) someone let go -
and everyone looked at one another (who dunnit?)  I knew it was not me - how did I know  - go firgure it out.

he he he and what would I say - Airy Days are here again